randomstuffthatsonherefandomcom-20200213-history
BILLY MAYS
HI! BILLY MAYS HERE, INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW PRODUCT! ARE YOUR COMMERCIALS LACKING STYLE? ARE YOUR SCRIPTS NOT POLISHED? WELL I HAVE THE PERFECT PRODUCT FOR YOU! MYSELF! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB AND YOU CAN HIRE ME TO DO YOUR COMMERCIAL FOR JUST 12 EASY PAYMENTS OF $1,295.31 $0! OFFER ONLY AVAILABLE IN HEAVEN! Contents hide 1 WHO THE HELL AM I? 2 WHAT DO I HAVE THAT OTHERS DON'T?!!! 3 I CAN FUCKING CLEAN TILES! 4 FRESH CLEAN SCENT! 5 LEARN MORE ABOUT ME! 6 BUY TODAY 7 SEE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME 8 BUT I'M NOT DONE YET 9 BUT I'M STILL NOT DONE!! 10 I SUFFERED A COCAINE INDUCED HEART ATTACK! 10.1 BUT THAT'S STILL NOT ALL!!! 11 HERE'S HOW TO ORDER! edit WHO THE HELL AM I? AseenonTV.jpg IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME ON YOUR TELEVISION SELLING CLEANING PRODUCTS AT 2AM, THEN YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN SOME KIND OF GODDAMN CAVE!! BILLY MAYS, WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY LOUD AND HAIRY SELF, IS A FUCKING MARKETING GENIUS!! ONLY YESTERDAY I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER IDEA AFTER LISTENING TO MYSELF YELLING! WHAT IF... MY OBNOXIOUS SCREAMING WAS PUT INTO A JAR AND SHOVED UP EVERY ACTOR'S ASS ON THE TV SHOW HOME IMPROVEMENT?! IT'D BE THE SAME AMOUNT OF TALKING THEY DO ON THE SHOW AND THEREFORE TWICE THE ENTERTAINMENT!! AM I THE BOMB OR WHAT?!?! EVERY TIME I TALK, I SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!! edit WHAT DO I HAVE THAT OTHERS DON'T?!!! BILLY MAYS: YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! BUY FUCKING RIGHT NOW!!! YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF: WHY BUY BILLY MAYS WHEN YOU CAN BUY ANOTHER, MORE QUIET SPOKESMAN?! I CAN GET THE POINT ACROSS WITH A FRESH CLEAN SCENT, WITHOUT AMMONIA AND WITHOUT BLEACH! WATCH THIS! WATCH AS I SAND DOWN THIS VERY EXPENSIVE WOOD FLOOR WITH MY BEARD WHILE APPLYING A CLEANING SOLVENT AND TALKING! THE WOOD DRIES OUT! I ALSO HAVE A LOUD VOICE THAT CAN EXPLODE HEADS! NO OTHER SPOKESPERSON SPEAKS THIS FUCKING LOUD! YOU WILL ALSO NOTICE THAT I AM VERY EXPENSIVE FOR A SPOKESPERSON AND THAT IS GOOD! edit I CAN FUCKING CLEAN TILES! Logo-kaboom.jpg YOU BET YOUR ASS I CLEAN TILES! I BET YOU CAN'T CLEAN TILES! KABOOM! AND I SPRAY KABOOM® ON THE TILE! IT'S NOT THE PRODUCT THAT ACTUALLY CLEANS THE TILE! IT'S MY EXTREMELY LOUD VOICE! THAT'S RIGHT! THE SOUND WAVES FROM MY VOICE OBLITERATE THE DIRT FROM THE TILE ON IMPACT! BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY! WATCH AS I SPIN A SHIRT IN A BOWL! WATCH AS I STICK A 45 POUND WEIGHT ON A DANGEROUSLY FLIMSY HOOK STUCK IN THE WALL! WATCH AS I FUCKING CLEAN ANOTHER TILE! I'M FUCKING AMAZING! I FUCKING BLEW MY HEAD OFF ONCE BECAUSE I SHOUTED SO DAMN LOUD! edit FRESH CLEAN SCENT! OTHER SPOKESMEN HAVE HARSH FUMES! BILLY MAYS DOESN'T! I HAVE A FRESH CLEAN BEARD SCENT! DOES YOUR SPOKESMAN HAVE THE FRESH CLEAN SCENT OF BEARD?! I THINK NOT! edit LEARN MORE ABOUT ME! YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE ME USE THIS! I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO MAKE HEADS EXPLODE!! I WAS BORN ON JULY 20, 1958 IN McKEES ROCKS, PENNSYLVANIA, WHEREVER THAT IS! FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE I TOOK AN INTEREST IN YELLING LOUDLY AND SELLING CLEANING PRODUCTS! LOOK AT THIS! I GAVE MY GRANDFATHER A SERIES OF STROKES WHEN I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLD!! I CAME INTO HIS ROOM AND INTERRUPTED HIS SLEEP FOR THREE CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS WHILE TRYING TO SELL HIM VARIOUS USED CLEANING SUPPLIES I FOUND UNDER THE KITCHEN SINK! IT WORKED!! HE WAS SO DISORIENTED BY MY SCREAMING THAT HE BOUGHT EVERYTHING!! HE ALSO WENT DEAF TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!! MY DAD'S A CARPENTER AND HE WAS IN THE GARAGE WORKING A WOODEN TABLE LEG ON THE LATHE WHEN I TOLD HIM "WOOD DRIES OUT DAD! BUY SOME OF THIS ORANGE SCENTED SLURRY I FOUND AT GOODWILL FOR ONLY $2.99*, THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY $2.99!*" HE BECAME STARTLED BY MY LOUD VOICE AND INSTANTLY DISLOCATED HIS ARM IN THE LATHE! I THREW THAT ORANGE CRAP AT THE MACHINE AND KABOOM! AT JUST SEVEN YEARS OLD I HAD INVENTED THE PROTECTIVE COATING NOW CALLED ORANGE GLO! WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD I SAW MY MOTHER DOING THE LAUNDRY, SO I WALKED UP BEHIND HER AND YELLED "WATCH THIS MA!", CAUSING HER TO DUMP A BUNCH OF BLEACH INTO OUR COLORED TOWELS, MAKING THEM ALL SHINY WHITE!! THAT GAVE ME AN IDEA!! WHY NOT BLEACH THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING WITH A PRODUCT CALLED OXI-WHITE!! MY ARCH ENEMY IS THE SHAM-WOW GUY! I ONCE IMPALED MY CAT WITH HERCULES HOOKSTM!!! 150 POUNDS OF FUCKING PRESSURE AND IT STILL HELD UP!!!!! *PLUS $7.99 S&H YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH WHEN BILLY MAYS IS TALKING!!! edit BUY TODAY ...AND I'LL INCLUDE THE AMAZING BILLY MAYS ACTION HERO! THE KIDS LOVE IT!! HELP ME FIGHT THE EVIL SHAM-WOW GUY!! BUT I'M NOT DONE YET! YOU'LL ALSO RECEIVE A HUGE-ASS BOTTLE OF BLEACH TO SPRAY AND DRINK RIGHT AFTER YOU SEE MY COMMERCIAL!! FOR FREE!!! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I WON'T BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A WINE GLASS IN A MEMOREX COMMERCIAL! SAVE YOURSELF AND CALL RIGHT NOW!! A TRAINED OPERATOR (ME) IS STANDING BY TO TAKE YOUR ORDER! CALL TODAY AND BUY ME FOR YOUR COMMERCIAL! IS IT LIVE OR IS IT MEMOREX??? WHO FUCKING CARES!?!?!?! *I AM NOW AVAILABLE IN THOSE FUCKING ANNOYING AS SEEN ON TV STORES AT THE MALL! BUY ME!! ACT NOW! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED! I AM AVAILABLE IN THREE DIFFERENT COLORS AND SCENTS! BUY TODAY!!! ALSO BUY THE BIG CITY SLIDER STATION! COOK DELICIOUS MINI-BURGERS, STACK 'EM, AND WATCH YOUR FAMILY ATTACK 'EM! MIGHTY PUTTYTM!! YOU CAN PUT YOUR HAND UNDER A PIECE OF CONCRETE SUSPENDED BY MIGHTY PUTTY! WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE! IT HAS NO RELEVANCE, BUT IT LOOKS IMPORTANT! edit SEE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME BEETHOVEN HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT ME! Cquote1.png He's probably the best spokesperson I've ever heard because he's the only spokesperson I ever heard. Cquote2.png LARRY KING SAID THIS ABOUT ME AFTER AN INTERVIEW! Cquote1.png Kaboom, and my hearing was finally gone. Cquote2.png A CUSTOMER FROM FLORIDA SAID THIS ABOUT ME! Cquote1.png Apparently Billy Mays was not pleased that I was not putting his cleaning products to good use due to the fact that my bathroom still looked like shit. So he showed up at my house in a very clean white van at around 2 AM. At first I was very pleased to see Billy come to my house since I have no life and spend my days planted on the couch watching TV. Billy started walking towards me with his trademark smiling bearded face. As I got my self ready to greet him he started shouting loudly "FOR ONLY $10.99 MORE YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT THE EXTRA STRENGTH CLEANER FOR YOUR PIECE OF SHIT BATHROOM!!!!" I was totally shocked and confused, I stood there in shock and disbelief! Then before I knew it Billy rushed back to his van, whipped out a huge EXTRA VALUE TUB of Kaboom and then proceeded to rip my eyeballs out of their sockets and dipped them in Kaboom, hereby blinding me for the rest of my life! Cquote2.png YES I HAVE FANS! ONE OF THEM SAID THIS ABOUT ME! Cquote1.png I have to admit, Billy Mays may have a very loud voice, but that smile, and that twinkle in his eyes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Daddy bear! I agree with all the other bears who've posted here, that that man is one hot woof! Have his baby? Sure, hell yeah. Since a guy can't get pregnant, we'd just have to try and try and try again...and I certainly wouldn't wanna kick his ass. What I would do, well... uhm... any bears here who wanna email me and talk about it, no problem! :-{)} Billy Mays would make an excellent houseboy, playmate, whatever. I'd do him in a new york minute (and even THAT wouldn't be fast enough for me). Everyone dissing him just has nothing else better to do than to be pissy and annoying... let the real men drool over him... I know I'd just be in a very long line wanting to buff that bear! Billy, you would be welcome in the homes of bears everywhere... including mine! :-{)} Cquote2.png CHECK OUT THIS INPUT FROM CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! Cquote1.png Billy Mays sells things on TV. Cquote2.png AND HERE'S ONE FROM CAPTAIN UNDERSTATEMENT! Cquote1.png On average, Billy Mays talks slightly louder than the average person. Cquote2.png THERE'S MORE! I HAVE ONE FROM CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS! Cquote1.png Who? I might have seen him on TV once or twice. Cquote2.png edit BUT I'M NOT DONE YET I AM ALSO EXPANDING MY BUSINESS INTO SELLING SELF-HELP DVDs TITLED "HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF" AND "BE HEARD!!!!" I AM NOW OFFERING THESE VIDEOS FOR FREE TO ALL CUSTOMERS WHO SPEND AT LEAST $100 ON MY CLEANING PRODUCTS. ESSENTIALLY, THIS DVD CAN BE PLAYED CONTINUOUSLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY! THE DVD ALSO CONTAINS TWO BONUS FEATURES: THE DOCUMENTARY BILLY MAYS: HOW I BECAME LOUD AND WEALTHY AND DOZENS OF FULL LENGTH COMMERCIALS OF NONE OTHER THAN ME CLEANING!!! WOW HOW MUCH FUN IS THAT!?! WATCH AT YOUR LEISURE!!!!!!!! JUST IMAGINE MY SMILING YET OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD AND BEARDED FACE TALKING CONTINUOUSLY WHILE YOU LADIES ARE AT HOME CLEANING!! edit BUT I'M STILL NOT DONE!! JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A HINT AND SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M STILL NOT DONE!! I'M NOW OFFERING ONE VERY LUCKY CUSTOMER A CHANCE TO MEET ME IN PERSON!! I WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE IN A LARGE AND VERY CLEAN WHITE VAN LOADED WITH MY WORLD FAMOUS CLEANING PRODUCTS!! I WILL THEN BURST INTO YOUR HOME AND CLEAN EVERY GOD DAMNED THING IN MY LINE OF FIRE!!! FOR FREE!!! IMAGINE THAT!!!!!! PLEASE DO NOT DELAY!! I AM ONLY HOLDING THIS SPECIAL OFFER DURING THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!! THIS ARTICLE IS DEDICATED TO THE FUCKING MEMORY OF MY SON OF A BITCH YOUNGER BROTHER, TOURETTE'S GUY!!!! AND REMEMBER, FUCK THAT PALMOLIVE SHIT! BUY MY SHIT OR I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SCREAM AT YOUR FACE UNTIL IT FALLS OFF AND DROPS INTO A BUCKET OF KABOOM!!!! edit I SUFFERED A COCAINE INDUCED HEART ATTACK! EVEN IN DEATH, I WILL LIVE ON THROUGH MY EVER-PRESENT COMMERCIALS! YOU CAN NEVER STOP ME, BILLY MAYS!! BUT DO YOU THINK THAT CAN STOP ME?! FUCK NO!! HI! BILLY MAYS HERE IN THE WORLD OF THE DEAD TO PRESENT YOU WITH HEAVEN! LIVED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE? THEN HEAVEN IS FOR YOU! IT'S ROOMY, AND YOU CAN SOCIALIZE WITH BILLIONS UPON BILLIONS OF DEAD PEOPLE, INCLUDING ME, BILLY MAYS!! YOU GET IT ALL – THE DEATH, THE AFTERLIFE, AND EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PITCHMAN – FOR ONLY $19.99! I'LL ALSO INCLUDE TWO STICKS OF SUICIDE PUTTY! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ME? USE SUICIDE PUTTY TO KILL YOURSELF AND GET TO HEAVEN IN HALF THE TIME!!! edit BUT THAT'S STILL NOT ALL!!! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL SEND YOU A 50 PIECE SET OF HERCULES HOOKS, VALUED AT $750, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE! JUST PAY SHIPPING AND HANDLING OF MY CASKET, CONTAINING ME, BILLY MAYS!! edit HERE'S HOW TO ORDER! call 1-(300)-USHUTUP! That's 1-(300)-874-4887. Operators are standing by. SEE MY RAP SONG! BillyMaysRules.com This article was featured on 22 January 2009. Click here to see the featured version. 190px-Featured.png Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article (read another featured article) Featured version: 22 January 2009 This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. v • d • e The Sacred Host of Minor Jesiihide Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know to know to know it is it is yes. babs, it's probably Original Jesus. Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you Invented economic theory: Supply-side Jesus Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter The Passion of the Jew: Kyle Broflovski Dark Jesus: Parallel Universe Jesus Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: Just like daddy. Member of the Carpenters: Jeez Jesus Fucking Christ: Working class hero and modern day sage Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah Super Jebus: Western Sydney pimp He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! BILLY MAYS Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone Elemental Jesus: Je (element) Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin Ultimate Jesus: Designed by God to be the ultimate fighting machine He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, it's not a Nazi, it's: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? Bow to ye savior or walk the plank ye scurvy dogs: Captain Jesus Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. But what If Jesus had lived in America Mr._T v • d • e All-American Role Models and Rejects Adam West | Aunt Jemima | Billy Mays | Blue Beetle | Bob Knight | Bob Saget | Bruce Campbell | Burger King | Cheese Jesus | Christopher Walken | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Dolph Lundgren | Eric Cartman | George Carlin | The Green Hornet | Joe Camel | Hillary Clinton | Hanson | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Napoleon Dynamite | Pedobear | Pillsbury Doughboy | Rick Astley | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom Categories: Featured | Jesus | Role models | Articles about a person written in the style of that person | Self-reference | ARTICLES WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CAPS LOCK | American television personalities | Internet memes | Attention Whores | Dead people | Virgins | Fools Pitied by Mr. T | Oxymorons | The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting Article Discussion View source History Log in / create account Main page Featured content Current events Recent changes Random feature Projects About Community Help Community portal Village Dump Chatroom Pee Review Votes for Highlight Votes for Pictures UnSignpost Random article Participate Toolbox What links here Related changes Special pages Printable version Permanent link